A few days ago, I was reminded of a conversation I had with my pastor after my husband and nephew died in a terrible accident. My pastor spent days to counsel me through my grief which also brought with it a lot of fear and anger. I was angry at God because I thought he could have saved my husband and nephew from dying. I was scared because in the few years before my husband’s death, I had struggled through a terrible post-partum where I cycled between intense anxiety and dark depression. My husband, Jim, was my person. I called him at work when I couldn’t get out of bed. I called to come get me when I was too panicked to drive home from my classes. I woke him up at night when my mind was spinning and spiraling me into dark places, and now I would need him again to get me through this, but he was gone. I didn’t think I could take care of myself and my children without him. I told my pastor it wasn’t fair, and I felt like I was being punished. He told me to think of life as a tapestry: When you look at the front, it is a beautiful picture, but the back is ugly and filled with twisted knots. He said that was how life really is; we all want it to look like the front of the tapestry, but our realities are sometimes the knots and ugly details of the back. He also told me my grief would always be there, but it did not have to define my life because I was young and had many years in front of me. Somehow, without knowing it, I chose to allow my husband’s death to define my life in a positive way.
Because of my fear, I chose not to look back and dwell on what I could not change. I knew as a single parent, I would need to work doubly hard to support myself and my children. I focused on my children instead of myself. I became brave with the help of dear friends and family who supported me when I wasn’t. I started to teach full-time and felt proud to be able to work and to raise my children. I looked at the blessings God gave me. I was able to teach, yet I was on the same schedule as my children, so we were always home together. My new job offered amazing health insurance. I didn’t have Jim, but friends and strangers showed up even when I didn’t need them. With each passing year, I became stronger and more able. Someone who I first met when I started teaching said he had never met someone with such self-confidence, and now I know that is what I chose to define me –confidence, not fear, not anger, not grief. Although I wish it were, my story is not unique and not entirely comparable to others’, but what is the same is how we deal with adversity.
The other day, my husband, a softball player, came home from a charity game against the Patriots, men raising money for the Wounded Warriors’ Project. My husband’s team won with a score of 10-8 even though almost every player on the Patriots’ team was a single or double amputee or had some injury not visible to the eye. One man had only stubs fitted with prosthesis about halfway from where our elbows are. He had a ball glove fitted for his unique disability and was able to catch, throw, and bat. Every man on the team has a life changing disability but has chosen to not allow it to define him. Their website states, (1) “…the athletes exemplify what it means to be a USA Patriot-courage in adversity, commitment to excellence, and a passion for lifting up others through sports.” Although amazing, these men’s stories are also not unique.
Everyday at CORE, we get to see first hand how people can inspire others to be more than what the world sees. We work with individuals who were born with disabilities or have had life experiences which have left them with long term disabilities. Our participants come to us with the same hopes we all have, to be successful in life and to have the opportunity to work at a job we enjoy. They want to be defined by something other than their disabilities, and they work hard to achieve their goals.
At CORE we are proud and inspired to be part of something that allows others to live full lives and not allow their disabilities to define them.
*If you would like to read more about the inspiring Patriots team, click the link below:
